I know, it is very dramatic to start a text like that, but you will see how beautiful it gets as you go through the paragraphs.
Between every lesson, adventure and pilgrimage that this trip has been (not only this literal trip that I have been doing since June, but of life) it has shown me, sometimes with bitter notes and many others with great compassion; That I wasn’t loving myself
I believe that in fact it is not even about being guilty, I was and am responsible.
Love was always available and it was always inside and around the corner and under my nose, but my ego insisted on continuing to look for it where i knew it was not available, why? Because the unconscious mind had already gotten used to it badly and hence generated the habit of not loving myself.
This not loving myself has had many layers within me and has led me to different faces of myself, which do not necessarily reflect or express who I am in essence but who I learned to be in order to cope with the lack of love that I thought I had.
Obviously the inner child was very beaten and with all the gratitude that each being in my life deserves, it was super hard growing up in such a challenging context. Absence and emotional neglect on the part of one of the parents, lack of acceptance and recognition on the other parent, a very hurt macho context, a family with many accumulated and pastlifes intravenous secrets. Much guilt, anger, resentment, a culture that uses bullying as a defense and protection mechanism that what it does is actually attacking the essence. It was very easy to feel like a victim, wasn’t it? And of course I was, but I learned through pain and suffering that feeling like a victim was just a perception and a story that I wanted to tell about my life, or at least it was the easiest thing for me at the time.
And of course my friend Anger lived within me and was well guarded until the return of Saturn in my life, all kinds of shit came out and well, it keeps coming out: more and more subtle and delicate and with a lot of compassion but there are always little things to do. They are not even from this life but from others out there.
I developed a defense mechanism that knows how to reflect very well a state of «strength» and «control» but that is simply the result of the inability to have been vulnerable and at the same time protected and sustained in childhood, so the best alternative is tell myself «I can handle everything and I don’t need anyone or anything, motherfuckers» and this … could not be further from the feeling of loving myself.
I lived in a state of endless struggle, fighting against everything, against everyone, with a giant need and greed to be able to show everyone how strong I was and how I didn’t need anyone in my life. There is some truth in all this huh? Because I have realized that I can do whatever i want, that i have everything inside of me to become who i really am and i can sustain myself. But at the same time i have learned that i also want to share this life with others and support and love is always there for free and with love and understanding.
There was an inability of my family to love me, accept me and value me for who I really am, and that same inability I inherited and integrated in me so much that the domino effect was to make it normal and habitual to devalue myself and not love myself. This was mixed with many addictions such as the attachment to seek validation by people unable to recognize themselves and therefore recognize others, the attachment to seek love in men who did not love me (because I learned as a child that this was the form of love that I deserved : the indifference of men and the critical judgment of women), the false belief in “rescuing” other people by making them see their light that translates very clearly for me today into giving my light to others so as not to take responsibility for my own life.
… .But this inability and above all frustration of lack of love that I felt in the past i used it as a tool to start my spiritual path of loving myself. It was the engine that activated in me the need to seek and heal myself. Today I am infinitely grateful to my creator for gestating me in my family, in my country, in my culture, in my bones and in my skin. Because as this journey becomes more and more aligned with my purpose and my heart, everything makes sense and everything has divine value and what I feel today is enormous gratitude in front of all the challenges and in front of all the people who made me feel really bad in the past. In any case, the wounds are healed by time and by all the love that every time I nurture in myself. The ho’oponopono that I practice towards myself, towards each part of me and towards everyone who has surrounded me. Because curiously (and especially thanks to the creation of my inner parents / or as they call reparenting) it was never about the others, the absence of dad, the judgment of mom, the mockery of the family, how they treated me bla blah blah everything was my unconscious mind and how I believed that I should treat myself, talk to me and relate to me, those things WERE MY BELIEFS manifesting in others, it was never the fact that they were all assholes.
… but there are indeed assholes in this life, ok? But that’s why I declared myself guilty. Because i created them, i am responsible.
Also because of that abandonment, I have abandoned myself. I have allowed myself to be carried away by the dreams of others, by the needs of others, by the desires of others and thus leaving myself in the last place in order to sustain in me very deeply and anguishly the need for recognition and affection. Buying / selling love. And again, there are no judgments, don’t get me wrong, they are strategies. This strategy to me feels like a black hole in which emptiness is not felt with serenity and peace, but feels like hell instead.
Indifference filled me with a lot of hatred towards the world, with a lot of frustration and ended up making me feel aggression and hatred towards myself. I did a lot of damage to myself psychologically by thinking so many toxic things for me, by taking the judgments of others for me, by not taking care of my mental health. I did a lot of damage by not taking care of my body, my diet (this topic gives me a lot of inspiration for another text, since the chapter on veganism is, in my case, another example of giving myself too much to something external and not to my internal devotion). I hurt myself a lot by not speaking my truth, because of fear. The lack of emotional support as an infant sustained in me the idea that the best thing was to always agree with others and die quietly (Wtf?).
Today I deeply believe in the focus and in the attention and care of our inner child. Because it is the cure from the root of our love tree and from there the domino effect makes every part of our life and the part of life that we touch in the universe, to dance with love and with great compassion. I have freed myself by filling my inner child with love and thus with that forgiveness I have softened my relationships with the beings that have hurt me the most and, on the other hand, i have attracted new and healthy relationships and especially new ones for a new co-creation. And by healing our inner child we also allow ourselves to fly, to dream and rebirth ourselves again.
I know it has been a painful process, even taking it with the best attitude and rewriting my story from there, even bringing magic to my world and even generating the miracles that life gives me, some things still hurt but the more I give love to myself another source of that pain turns into gratitude and even smiles towards this crazy and bizarre universe.
I declare that from now on suffering will not be the master, because I have already been and coming from there and I have learned that suffering generates suffering and sometimes a habit loophole, while love and discipline in love generates transformation, life and release. And I declare myself responsible, responsible to live in gratitude, to forgive myself and others, to generate magic in my life, to enjoy it deeply and to love myself above all else. I declare that my happiness is the happiness of the planet. Because most of all and we do all the healing process precisely to create a new chapter in our lives, that chapter that is REALLY our truth, our true self and our own creation.
I allow me to be vulnerable and transparent in the face of my pains and my emotional and spiritual paths because by sharing them, I also share a story of magic, I open windows of hope for all those children who need a little push.
Thank you for reading.
nix·franklin 